Dear Mom Who's Child Can Do No Wrong

It's tough being a mom.

Stop acting shocked. We all know this mom.  Maybe more than one.  There are parents who are blessed with perfect angelic children from the moment they are born to the moment they are officially named a saint.  Those parents who's children are completely incapable of even thinking of committing any sort of wrong doing ever.  Let's get to it.



Dear Mom Who's Child Can Do No Wrong,

Congratulations on effortlessly raising a gifted and talented special snowflake.  Perfect children are few and far in-between, but your child is.  How do I know this?  Because you have blessed me by telling me of your child's numerous(seemingly bottomless really) accomplishments.  You've gone to extreme efforts to inform me that your child is the best of the best in all things and has never required any sort of correction or discipline.  And why would they? Clearly they are a cut above all other children.

I do so appreciate when you give me a pitying look or unsolicited parenting advice.  I can tell by the horrified look on your face while my son has a meltdown or my daughter hesitates to share her favorite toy.  I can tell that you are trying to have sympathy for what it must be like for me.  What must it be like, you think to yourself, to raise such normal and unpredictable children?  How does one  get through the day constantly having to discipline in the moment, break up petty arguments, and possibly even raise one's voice to get a point across?  Perhaps if I'd read that parenting book you'd mentioned to me once or fifty times, my children would never step out of line.  Obviously, since yours never do.

You probably imagine that my life is very trying.  When you see me, my kids are likely fighting.  If you call me, you're not surprised that my kids are making a fuss in the background.  Was that a glass you heard that just broke or do you hear my daughter stomping up the stairs? Of course you did.  And of course these are not issues you've ever had to handle.  How wonderful that must be for you, really, I am happy for you.  I'll start planning your "Perfect Parent and Child Celebratory Ball" right after I pry my phone from my child's hands that I gave her so I could enjoy 17 seconds of pure unadulterated silence.  It really did last 17 seconds too, because then, of course my children decided to fight over this as well.

There's something to be said for the commitment you've dedicated to maintaining the facade of your child's perfection.  It must be slightly trying when a teacher pulls you aside to mention a perceived misstep involving your child.  Or when another mom gathers the courage to approach you about a conflict between their child and yours.  Clearly it's very difficult for lesser parents and teachers to understand your immaculate darling.  There really is just no possible way that your child would ever in a million years be involved in such common issues like name calling, excluding other children, and disobeying authority figures.  It's unconscionable that your child be implicated in any situation like that.  How dare anyone try to sway your belief in your child's exquisiteness.

Against your judgement, in the past, you've gently and hesitantly asked your child about a situation that has been brought to your attention.  Being gentle and calm is key here, because heaven forbid your child feel as though, even for a moment, your lofty impression of them has been tainted in any way at all.  Never would you want your child to feel that you'd disapprove of their actions for any reason at all.  Why would you?  You know that your child is a shining beacon of superiority.

When your child answered you, all be it hesitantly and with shifty eyes and ringing hands, you trust your child's words as though they are gospel.  Your child is the pinnacle of virtue and trustworthiness.  They were raised impeccably by you.  So as they start to tell you a tale in which they are the victim, the put upon, and the misunderstood, you feel more than a little indignant.  Just because other people haven't raised children that are without flaws, that doesn't mean that you should question your dear child's trustworthiness.  Though the story your child tells you has more plot holes than The Matrix, your child cannot be lying as lesser children do.  They are just "creative" and unfortunately under the strain of being surrounded by those less unscrupulous.  What a trial this must be for both of you, you both do have my condolences.

I'm only reaching out to you now because, as you know, my children are far from perfect.  They throw fits.  They make messes and mistakes.  They forget their manners sometimes and they aren't always having a perfect day.  Although this boggles your mind(again, I can tell this by the terrified look on your face), I want to assure you that I am okay with this.  I genuinely hope I can ease your mind by telling you that I love my little monsters just as much as you love your perfect angel.  It seems impossible to you, I know.  But at some point I realized that my children's mistakes are a chance to learn and grow.  Their messes are often part of them creating and playing, and they forget to clean them up sometimes because their imagination has gotten away from them.  My children are just that. Children.  They will someday be fully functioning adults and hopefully upstanding members of the community.  To get there, they have to make missteps, they'll have to learn things the hard way sometimes, and sometimes I know this will disappoint me.  That does not mean that I don't love them.  That does not mean that I've failed as a parent.  It means they are human.  It means that they learn to pick themselves up when they fall.  It means they learn to apologize and make things right.  It means they'll learn to tell the truth and do the right thing because I don't except their bad behavior, but I also won't love them any less.

My children's manners are not perfect because we are still working on them, and I've found that the best way to do that is to lead by example.  Hence this letter.  We are different types of parents.  We don't agree on things and we do things very differently.  I can see that makes you uncomfortable, and I am sorry for that.  I respect the parenting path you've chosen, because most likely you're just like me and you're doing the best you can with the tools that you've been given.  Parenting is a complicated thing, just like feelings.  If your feelings were hurt when I confronted you about the name calling that I witnessed from your child, I am sorry.  It's embarrassing when we're confronted with the primal nature of our children.  I've been mortified by my children's actions more times than I can count.  Although how we choose to handle this situation is different, I acknowledge that the way you handle or don't handle a your child's actions is your choice as well.  I won't judge you for this. I wish you the best.  But we will not be attending anymore play dates with you so as to not sully your children's principles and innate goodness.  I recognize that it may be hard, but I know that you and your child will manage to find playmates that are worthy of your time.  If you change your mind and want to come to the dark side, you're welcome to get messy and make mistakes alongside us.  Until then, enjoy basking in your own personal glory.

Sincerely,
That Very Frazzled Mom